Nightmares

Since my appearance on the Oprah show, I've had some memories eat away at me. This is not necessarily a bad thing. For too long I was silent about the abuse I received from my brother. Oprah's follow up to the Mackenzie Phillips interview was an experience I will always treasure being a part of. I held my silence for almost 40 years about the sexual nature of what went on between Bud and me. Yes, I was chronologically an adult when he seduced me. Yes, I knew it was wrong. However, I was no more capable of saying "no" than a child in the same situation. But that's not what I'm writing about here.

Around 4:30 AM this morning, I was awakened by a nightmare. I know what caused the nightmare. I know what triggered the memories that made up the nightmare. But it was still a nightmare and it still scared the hell out of me. So, here's the nightmare.

I was alone in my house. A neighbor girl came over and made a general nuisance of herself. She had a bunch of meaningless questions and I was getting tired of answering her. I sent her home thru the back door as the front door opened and my mother and brother walked in. My mom asked some questions about what I had gotten done while they had been out. I was very concerned because I realized they had been gone for a longer than expected time. My mom had gone to pick my brother up from work. He didn't want his car left on the parking lot of the store he worked at for fear it would get dinged by someone parking next to it. I asked, almost in a panic where they had been so long. I mentioned that I was worried about them, thinking something bad had happened. At this point, my mom and I are sitting in the family room/living room of our house. My mom responds that they went to check out the pictures. What pictures? I ask. My brother interrupts to chase me out of his chair. She tells me the family pictures that were being done specially. Why wasn't I told about these pictures? Why wasn't I IN these pictures if they were family pictures. I don't recall her exact answer but it was tinged with frustration that it was my fault I wasn't in the pictures. By this time, my brother is demanding to be waited on. I want more information about the pictures. I'm angry and hurt that I was excluded from these family pictures. My feelings are completely discounted. I remember saying that I might as well be one of Margie's grandkids for the way I was being treated. My mother's reply is, "Margie who?" I answer, "Margie, your niece, your brother's daughter!" My mom is confused as to why Margie's grandkids would be in the family pictures. I say something to the effect that that's my point. Why wasn't I included?

I awoke in tears, feeling completely alone and left out, abandoned by everyone dear to me. That is the truth of my life. Mom, who I desperately loved, cared more for my pervert brother. He was the important one. His needs and his desires always came first. On a certain level I know my mother loved me, but in my heart I always sensed that she would always put him first. He knew he came first. He expected everyone to adore him. In his own mind his needs and his desires were more important than anyone else's.

Music and Memories

I've been looking up some of the artists and musicians I used to listen to when I was younger. I've found quite a few that I had almost forgotten about. Some make me laugh, some make me cry. Where has the time gone? Peter, Paul and Mary all had much more hair back then...Peter and Paul are bald now and Mary has short hair. Same for Joan Baez. We're all grey haired now. But their messages haven't changed. They sang of injustice, civil rights, war, the government...the messages are the same. We've lost some of our naivete, but not our hopes for the future. Back then it was "Don't trust anyone over 30." Sometimes I think now that would be "Don't trust anyone UNDER 30."

Not sure what my next step is. I really don't want those wise words of youth to go unheard.

Leonard Cohen.....Anthem

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VQCmdu4RcnU

I'm not sure if that link will appear as just a link or if it will show the way it does on Facebook. It doesn't really matter.
Here are the words of this song:

Lyrics to Anthem :The birds they sang at the break of day Start again I heard them say Don't dwell on what has passed away or what is yet to be. Ah the wars they will be fought again The holy dove She will be caught again bought and sold and bought again the dove is never free.
Ring the bells that still can ring Forget your perfect offering There is a crack in everything That's how the light gets in.
We asked for signs the signs were sent: the birth betrayed the marriage spent Yeah the widowhood of every government -- signs for all to see.
I can't run no more with that lawless crowd while the killers in high places say their prayers out loud. But they've summoned, they've summoned up a thundercloud and they're going to hear from me.
Ring the bells that still can ring ...
You can add up the parts but you won't have the sum You can strike up the march, On your little broken drum Every heart, every heart to love will come but like a refugee.
Ring the bells that still can ring Forget your perfect offering There is a crack, a crack in everything That's how the light gets in.
Ring the bells that still can ring Forget your perfect offering There is a crack, a crack in everything That's how the light gets in. That's how the light gets in. That's how the light gets in. [ Anthem Lyrics on http://www.lyricsmania.com/ ]

This is definitely one of my favorite songs of the Master. There is more than just the words that have a meaning to me. Watching Leonard Cohen perform over the years...even tho I didn't know of him until recently...with the help of YouTube I've been able to watch his musical journey, from young idealistic poet to old man who has no regrets and can enjoy his experiences.

The one line that seems to mean the most to me in this particular song is "there is a crack in everything...that's how the light gets in."

It sort of reminds me of something Charlie Bettis said many years ago. "The brighter the light on the face, the darker the shadow behind." Nothing is perfect. Everything has 2 sides.

Purpose

I began this Blog as sort of an online journal. I really don't care if anyone joins me in discussion or not, but it would be nice to bounce ideas off someone else. In light of this, I will probably invite some friends to join me here to discuss any of a gazillion different topics.

Topics I would like to discuss include, but are not limited to the following:
Leonard Cohen
Saving Grace...the TV show
Spirituality
Cats
Books by Anne Bishop or Faye Kellerman
Israel

So, if you have been invited by me feel free to say what's on your mind.

"All my friends are gone
And my hair is grey
I ache in the places
I used to play"

Spirituality where you find it....

I'm not a religious person. I identify myself as Jewish, with Pagan undertones. I've studied several differnt religions over the years and Judaism still feels like "home" to me. I definitely cannot accept Christianity. It just does NOT work for me. If you, the reader, are a Christian I have no animosity towards you...UNLESS you try to prove your religion is the ONLY way.

For years I was active in a Conservative Jewish congregation. I was very observant, to the point of being considered by other Jews as Orthodox for many years. There were a number of reasons that I had to move away from that path. None of them need to be elaborated here. I was very secure in my community. It was an extension of my family.

Always the questioner, I stumbled upon what I'll term neo-Paganism. There were many things I liked there. I actually found it fairly easy to blend my Pagan beliefs with my Jewish ones. Another extension of my "family", now with the Pagans I studied with. This was all fairly good. It was home.

However, once my son graduated from high school I decided it was time for me to explore outside my safe community. My son's father and I divorced on friendly terms...Yes, it is possible to be friends after a divorce. So I packed up all my "stuff" (thoughts of George Carlin and his routine about "stuff" and where to put it) and moved in with friends. Well, that lasted less than a year. Problems finding work and the guilt of being supported by someone who at times really resented me, sent me on my way again.

This time I headed south with my "stuff". I met my current partner and moved in with her. I literally followed her home and she had to keep me. That relationship has worked out very well, but I was still stumbling around trying to find my spiritual home.

So, that's where I am right now. I have new family...still connected to the old, just not as close geographically. My spiritual quest continues. Not sure just where it's leading but I'll figure that out as I go.

Welcome

Welcome to My Lili Pad.

I'm not really sure what to do here, but I suppose I'll find out. I kinda want a space where I can put out my ideas and just sort of say what I want...about politics, religion, the economy, the environment...and anything else that comes to mind.

Now to see what else is involved here. Find out all my options and choices.

Lili